Guarded Heart (Dubicki's) Read online

  “Yeah, just let me go get him,” Carson said, trying to avoid Carissa’s eyes. He knew something was wrong and already knew he was going to have to wait whatever this was that felt like a fight out downstairs at the bar. Carson was suddenly relieved that he didn’t have a girlfriend.

  He walked down the hall to the door to Jesse’s room and knocked on his door. When Jesse opened the door, Carson said, “Dude, your girl is here. She does not look happy. I’m going to go downstairs and have a beer.”

  Jesse, just waking from a much needed nap, hoped Carson was just imagining it. He followed Carson back down the hall towards the living room. Carson’s speed was a fast walk verging on a run. Jesse wanted to laugh at his chicken-shit friend.

  Then Jesse turned the corner and saw her face. Carissa had tears streaming down her face, and the remnants of smeared makeup around her eyes. On top of all that, she looked mad. Shit.

  They both stared at each other as Carson scurried past them to remove himself from the visible storm of emotion that was brewing in their living room. As the door slammed behind them signaling Carson’s exit, Jesse walked towards her.

  She held her arm out to stop him from getting too close. “You lied.”

  “What are you talking about, Carissa?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now, Jesse?” She crossed her arms defensively over her chest. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me you have a daughter with your ex-girlfriend?”

  He flinched as if she’d struck him.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Carissa said as his reaction served as an admission of guilt on his part.

  “I can explain. I just found out. That’s what she was telling me the night you saw us, Carissa,” he reached out to her.

  Carissa stood still, her arms wrapped around her while she quietly wept.

  “I don’t care, Jesse. I have had enough people lying to me in my life, and yesterday you promised things would change; the whole time you knew this and chose not to tell me. I can’t deal with that kind of dishonesty.”

  He tried to move towards her, but she backed up to match his movement forward

  “Come on, Carissa. Please let me explain. Come in and sit down with me.”

  “Jesse, it’s not going to work this time. The damage is done. I won’t tolerate this behavior again. I can’t.” The tears welled up, betraying her will as she spoke. “I thought you were different, but you are just like everyone else that has done shitty things to me, Jesse.”

  “Carissa, I was just trying to absorb this myself before I told you. Please… I was hoping you would support the fact that I have a daughter.”

  “FUCK you, Jesse Dubicki! It’s not about you having a daughter. It’s about you lying and letting me down just like every other person I’ve ever known. I’m done. DONE!” Carissa yelled as she turned and walked out, slamming the door on the way out: she’d had enough of people hurting her and was afraid she wouldn’t be able to stay away from him even though he clearly wasn’t good for her anymore.

  Jesse’s instinct was to chase her, but he had a sense of knowing that if he did, he’d lose her forever. He should have told her the day before, but he was afraid. He had barely digested the news of Violet and hadn’t felt ready to tell her then. He screwed up. Again.

  Jesse walked to the door she’d just walked out of. He placed his hand gently against the door with regret. He walked back to his room, defeated. As he reached his bed, it hit him. The grief of losing her rocked through his body powerfully. Within the space of the day, he felt like his world was falling down around him.

  Chapter 19

  It had been three days, two hours, and twelve minutes since Carissa had pushed him away. Not that he was counting. He’d felt like he was in a fog since that day and didn’t know what had happened. For the first time in his life, he felt like there was a relationship worth having. He still couldn’t put his finger on what it was, but there was just something about her. Everything seemed brighter when she was around.

  Now the light was gone.

  The day after she’d left, Jesse was pretty much in denial. It hurt and he missed the hell out of her, but he thought she’d come to her senses and seek him out. He lost himself in his practice that day and every day since then; Pablo had to order him another custom punching bag as a result of him being a bit overly passionate about his punches. Not that Pablo had complained about it at the time. He had a big fight coming up, and Pablo didn’t care the reason Jesse was hitting practice hard.

  Then, reality started to sink in. The pain was excruciating. In his state, he didn’t want to be alone, and he’d started going out to drown his sorrow at the bar with Carson and Luke. Not a great idea on a practice night for an active fighter.

  The night before, Luke and Carson were trying to get him to pick up a woman; par for the course on a night out with the guys. The only thing was that Jesse wasn’t in the mood for that and lost his temper rather quickly. Luke had a mildly sadistic streak, though, and made him a bet that he couldn’t do it—that he couldn’t get it up for anyone other than Carissa. Jesse never could resist a dare.

  After a while, Jesse got up enough willpower to flirt with the woman Luke had pointed to, and she was all over him in an instant. It didn’t take long until he had his hand up her shirt. It was about to make him forget until he called her Carissa. The girl slapped him and walked away. He didn’t blame her.

  Not that he was the kind of guy to do something like that. It was just that he had never really been in love before. He had never considered something like that. Sex was always sex. Being in love was something just in movies or that people he knew did. He didn’t do that.

  Until then.

  Shit. He realized at some point between the girl that slapped him and sobering up that he was in love. How did this happen? He realized the reason he didn’t want to be without her. But how was he going to get her back?

  ****

  “Jesse, what the FUCK is going on with you?” Pablo yelled in frustration. His yells echoed through the gym as all the activity around them seemed to still for a moment.

  “Sorry, Pablo,” Jesse grumbled as he went back to the weight bench.

  “Jesse, I have watched you go from a beast to spiraling down the sort of hole that a fighter that does drugs spirals down in a minimal amount of time. Your head is anywhere but here. Have you gotten into drugs, boy?”

  “No,” Jesse grunted as he lay on the weight bench, lifting as much weight over his head as he could bear without being spotted.

  “I am getting tired of your one word responses, Jesse. You’ve been late for practice that last two mornings looking like hell.” Pablo paced and continued to vent his frustration, “LATE. You are never late. A person could think that the only thing that would possess you to be that careless is drugs. Or pussy. So which is it?”

  “It’s not drugs.”

  “FUCK!” Pablo yelled at him before storming out of the gym, punching the metal door of the gym as he walked by.

  Jesse could hear him cursing in Spanish as he stormed away. He always knew Pablo was really upset when he started to rant or swear in his native tongue. Not that he didn’t deserve it. He just didn’t know how to make the pain go away, and he didn’t know how to stop feeling sorry for himself. He had to get it together for his next fight that was just a few days away and find a way to channel his anger into his attack on his opponent. He just hoped he could get it together on time.

  ***

  Carissa couldn’t get Jesse off her mind. Why did making the decision to make a clean cut from him and all things that would remind her of him hurt so much? She was determined to get over this and move on with things, but she still felt so empty inside.

  The first day she’d cried, listened to breakup songs like some heartbroken school girl, eaten nearly a gallon of ice cream, and then—when she couldn’t take it anymore—she ran. She just put the ear buds from her phone in her ear, blasted the music, and ran. At some point, she exhausted h
erself and then had a strange realization that every time she ran after a stressful occasion, maybe she was trying to run from herself. For as long as she could remember, she had the tendency to run in times of extreme stress; it was not for fun. Some people lit a cigarette in a moment of stress; Carissa liked going for a run. Maybe it started when she was younger to get her out of the house. In those days when things got bad, her mother was usually gullible enough to believe she was actually running because she was going out for the track team.

  Then Dana had provided her the shoulder she needed to cry on. And the tough love that she apparently needed. Maybe that was the reason she’d avoided Dana right away. Dana might seem like a flighty friend sometimes, but she was always the backbone of the situation when one was required. This time was no exception. Dana told her in no uncertain terms that she should tell Jesse she was sorry and offer him another chance. Dana told her that she was sorry Carissa was hurt and didn’t blame her for feeling betrayed. That said, she didn’t think Jesse had meant any harm and encouraged Carissa to give him a break. He had a lot on his plate with finding out he had a daughter.

  Carissa reluctantly brought herself to the realization that Dana had a point. Even though she wanted to see it from Dana’s point-of-view, she still didn’t know if she could be with someone who had acted like Jesse did, whether he meant to lie to her or not.

  She had spent the night at Dana’s for the last couple of nights. Dana had her own place and invited her to bring Cal over, and they just decided to enjoy each other’s company for a few days, or however long Carissa felt she needed to be there. In the two nights that she’d been staying at Dana’s place, it was Dana’s daily habit to ask Carissa if she’d come to her senses yet. Each day after the question when Carissa said no, Dana would click her tongue as if to say “shame on you” and heave a dramatic sigh. Then they would just continue talking as if nothing had happened. The thing was, the conversation always got back to Jesse.

  Dana had finally had it the night before and exploded at her. “Jesse this, Jesse that. Anyone else could see that you two are good for each other. Anyone could realize that you probably are in love with each other. You’re both probably equally stubborn, and therefore deserve each other, but that’s beside the point. Get over yourself and go apologize!”

  “Dana, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s not happening. I will get over him.”

  “Uh huh,” Dana clicked her tongue in doubt at her. “That’s why you’ve ingested your weight in ice cream in the last two days, then.”

  “Oh, shut up, Dana. I always run it off afterwards.”

  “You know damn well that both those things are behaviors you have when you are stressed out and miserable.”

  “Thank you for pointing out the obvious. You are starting to annoy me.” Carissa playfully smacked Dana upside the head.

  “Owww!”

  “Don’t forget I can fight, too, Dana Wheeler. Push my buttons enough, and you will find out what I mean first hand.”

  “Okay, truce.” Dana held out her hand in apology, and they both laughed. “Now what do you say we make some fondue and watch some MMA on television. Don’t act like you don’t know Jesse has a fight tonight.”

  “Trust me, I know. Even if you hadn’t suggested watching it, I would have found a way to get the TV on that fight.” Carissa blushed as she admitted it: he may not be good for her, but she couldn’t turn her feelings off like a light switch.

  They went back to talking about Dana’s latest guitar player romance as they made dinner. Apparently, she’d gotten bored with Kyle and upgraded to a better guitar player. Better looking, better on the guitar, and better in bed. Carissa’s head was spinning with her own drama, but hearing Dana’s made her feel better in some ways. At least she was not alone.

  She wasn’t sure why Dana had a thing for guitar players. To her, every guy with a guitar looked kind of alike. She didn’t get why some women swooned over anyone just because he had an instrument he played. Carissa was starting to realize she preferred athletes. Well, really, just one athlete.

  Chapter 20

  “Ladies and gentlemen…. Tonight we get ready for another middleweight fight with our local hometown hero, but before we get to that, let’s bring out our challenger from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Please give it up for David “The Lion” Landry!”

  The crowd booed and hissed. Normally there were a few cheers for the challenger, but in Minnesota, the rivalry with Green Bay, Wisconsin, went deep. In Minnesota, the football team the Minnesota Vikings were rivals to the Green Bay Packers, and, while this was very different, the rivalry on the west side of the Mississippi River ran deep.

  David “The Lion” Landry stepped out of his robe, and Carissa couldn’t help but take in the look of intensity he gave to the camera. He meant business. Not that they all didn’t, but that guy had a particularly mean look in his eyes. Or maybe she was just imagining it because she was loyal to Jesse and wanted him to win. She’d never stop caring or rooting for him, no matter what happened between them.

  Carissa settled back into the couch with the bowl of popcorn Dana had insisted they’d have after dinner. Being at Dana’s for the last few days had provided her some much needed alone time with her bestie. It was helping clear her head of the confusion over her breakup with Jesse.

  She noticed her heart was racing with the anticipation of seeing Jesse come out of that tunnel. She hadn’t seen him in a few days, but suddenly it seemed like forever. She missed him. She realized she’d been getting spoiled being at all his matches and having a nearly front row seat. She also realized that if she saw him with any other woman during that match, she’d be upset. She tried to keep her anxiety at bay and reached for another handful of popcorn.

  No one had been as good to her as he had been in the short time that they were together. There was a connection between them from the moment they met, and she’d never felt anything like it. She just didn’t know if she could trust him again. Even in a perfect world, it could never work out. Guys like him didn’t fall for girls like her. She had a terrible past and was from the wrong side of the tracks in so many ways.

  “Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Hailing from northeast Minneapolis, our very own JESSE “the PATRIOT” DUUUBBICCCKIIII!”

  The crowd went wild. They seemed particularly energetic that night. Carissa couldn’t help but wonder what she didn’t know about the fight that the crowd seemed to know. She felt uneasy and couldn’t explain why. Maybe it was just nerves because she’d lost him, but she couldn’t seem to let it go. She kept cracking her knuckles, a bad habit she had when she was nervous.

  Her breath caught as she saw him drop his hood and disrobe. It seemed like he was looking through the camera into her eyes for just a minute until he waved at the crowd. Carissa licked her lips and tried not to get too distracted by the sexual fantasies that already plagued her in his absence. She leaned back into her cozy couch pillow and sighed.

  “Carissa, shut it over there. The sexual tension in this room is palpable, and it’s not coming from me,” Dana chimed at her smarmily. “Now, pass me the popcorn, please.”

  Carissa flashed her look of annoyance. She hated that Dana could see right through her sometimes.

  The two men went to the center of the ring to shake hands—or rather, bump fists—and then went to their respective corners to wait for the bell to indicate the beginning of the fight. Carissa leaned forward in her seat. Somehow, she felt like she could not get close enough to him and honestly wished she could teleport herself through the camera to be there to see him in the flesh.

  The bell went off, and both men advanced to the center of the ring. Their fighter preamble went on for a frustrating amount of time. Finally, Jesse struck his opponent with an uppercut to his jaw. The way the Lion’s head snapped back was enough to get her adrenaline going, and Carissa stood up just like she would if she were there. Dana grumbled at her to get out of the way of the television but finally gave up
and joined her standing up in front of the TV so she could view the action, too.

  Even though she’d rather have been there, it was amazing watching the fight on TV. The camera seemed to capture every angle of their fight which, at times, seemed like it was a carefully choreographed dance. Perhaps it was that experienced fighters just knew how to anticipate the other’s moves. Carissa maintained her sense of wonder at the sight as she continued to watch the fight.

  After the third round, something changed. She could just feel it in her bones. There was a shift, and it was like Jesse lost whatever momentum he had going into the fight. She watched as his opponent pushed him against the wall and pummeled him. She watched Jesse’s beautiful face snap to the side each time the hit was to his face; by the fifth consecutive hit to his face, blood started to pour from above his right eye. Carissa gasped in horror along with the rest of the crowd through the television.

  The battering of Jesse Dubicki continued. After the blood started to pour down his face and interfere with his vision, the few attempts he made to come back seemed halfhearted. He missed more of the hits than he made, and, in those moments, it was as if the crowd knew the fight would not end as they’d hoped. It ended in submission when Daniel “The Lion” Landry had Jesse face down on the mat in a lethal-looking choke hold. Jesse held out for an inordinate amount of time; Carissa was screaming at him to submit before he died through the TV as if he could hear her. When his face was nearly blue, he tapped his arm out in submission, and it was over.

  Carissa was beside herself. What happened tonight? She wanted to rush to his side and see if he was alright, but now she had no right. She’d pushed him away. She was not sure who she wanted to hurt more, herself or Jesse. She wanted to kiss him, she wanted to clobber him, and right then she could do neither. She was so ready to throw caution to the wind and run to wherever Jesse was, but she knew if she did that there would be no going back. He’d said it himself. She’d just have to pray that all of his injuries would heal and not cause any permanent damage.