Guarded Heart (Dubicki's) Read online

  ***

  “JESSE!” Kelsey screamed as they lifted him onto a stretcher from the fighting mat. She hoped that the size of her growing belly wouldn’t slow her down. She had to get to her brother, fast. She pushed through the crowd and caught him just in time.

  “Jesse, look at me.”

  She reached her hand out to him. His right arm and hand were on a board, and that alone said that something could be seriously wrong with his arm or hand. She wanted to stay strong for her brother, but she started to cry.

  “Kels, don’t cry,” he mumbled as he crooked his good eye open to look at her. “I’m going to be fine.”

  “You don’t know you are going to be fine, Jesse. If I didn’t love you so much I’d kill you myself. What the hell happened out there? I know losing is a part of the business, but you’ve never fallen like this. What’s gotten into you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” he said with a warning look to his sister as they wheeled the gurney he was on out of the tunnel and to the ambulance.

  His team was there, but they encouraged Kelsey to get in the ambulance with him. Kelsey climbed in and held his good hand. She’d get to the bottom of whatever caused him to go down like that, but right then all she could do was hope he would recover enough to fight again. Kelsey said a silent prayer and quietly cried as the ambulance carried them to the hospital.

  Four hours and twenty-two minutes later, the family was gathered in the waiting room waiting for Jesse to come out of surgery. Two of his fingers had been broken and a tendon severed in one of them, and they had needed to do surgery to repair his hand. It was his right hand, his dominant hand. If it didn’t go well, he might not be able to fight. Either way, it would be a long road of recovery that would take him out of the game for a while.

  “Jesse Dubicki’s family?” the doctor inquired as she walked into the waiting room.

  They all stood: Adam, Jason, and Kelsey. Stephanie, Adam’s wife, had stayed home with the baby. Pablo was there with another one of Jesse’s team. The Dubicki siblings and Jason held hands as they waited for the doctor to speak.

  “The surgery went well. We were concerned we would not be able to restore the tendons that were damaged in the break, but we did. Now the test is in seeing how he recovers. We will not know the range of movement that he has until he is out of the woods with the initial post-surgery healing. Then we do tests, and we wait. He will have to do some physical therapy just to regain the full function of his fingers. Whether or not he fights again will be determined within the next month or two.”

  “Oh, God,” Kelsey grabbed her husband and went into his arms. Jason soothed her as she quietly cried.

  “Thank God it’s not worse,” Adam exclaimed as per usual. He was not always the best at dealing with emotion, but the concern was visible on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his brow was creased with worry.

  They all thanked the doctor, and they asked when they could see Jesse. The doctor gave permission for one person to go back, and they all agreed it should be Kelsey.

  Kelsey stifled a sob as she saw Jesse hooked up to the various machines that were around him in the recovery room. The body was such a delicate thing. After the loss of both of their parents, she didn’t want to lose her baby brother. The thought of him having a permanent career in fighting before then was exciting. Jesse was good at it. The Dubickis were proud of him and somehow put the “what if’s” out of their mind when they chose to support his dreams as a family. That day was a reminder of what could happen if things went wrong.

  She smoothed the hair on his head in the way a mother might. They hadn’t had a mother in so long the role had fallen to Kelsey naturally when it came to some of the nurturing that Jesse needed. His functioning eyelid fluttered open.

  “Hi,” he whispered to her in a sound that was barely audible.

  “Hi, Jesse. You scared us pretty good, but the doc said that your surgery went well, and that there’s a chance that you will regain the full use of your fingers.”

  Jesse closed his eye, and she noticed his brow crinkle in frustration from what she had said.

  “What happened out there?”

  “I don’t know.” He looked away from her.

  “I know you just came out of surgery, and I’m sorry I’m pressing you. But I know you. This wasn’t you. What the hell got into you?”

  Jesse winced.

  “Jesse, please, I just want to understand.”

  “Carissa,” he winced as he said it, a silent tear rolling down his face.

  “What did she do to you?” Kelsey demanded.

  “Kelsey, don’t. It was me that screwed up. She left me.”

  “What could you have done to make her leave you?”

  “First, she saw me with Haley. Then I didn’t tell her about Violet. Haley found her first and had Violet with her.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah, she didn’t take it very well. Carissa has had a rough past and has a hard time trusting men. I broke that trust.”

  “Jesse, don’t be so hard on yourself. You had a big shock with the news of a daughter. A woman who truly cared for you should be able to understand that.”

  “Kelsey, you don’t know what she’s been through, okay? She said she couldn’t take the deception and left.”

  “And then what? You got lost in your own misery and forgot how to fight?”

  “Kelsey,” he pleaded.

  “I’m sorry, Jesse. I know you’ve had a hard day. This is hard for all of us. I’m just trying to understand all of it.”

  “Kelsey, it was me that screwed it up. End of story.”

  Not if I have anything to say about it, Kelsey thought as she said goodbye to Jesse and left.

  Chapter 21

  Carissa needed a bubble bath. It had been a long day at work. She had gone back to work at the nursing home after a few days of much needed vacation from work. She’d needed the time to process her thoughts after the breakup with Jesse. She’d stayed with Dana a few days and came home to her own place the night before, returning to work that day.

  That afternoon one of her favorite patients, Mr. Johnson had a small stroke, which was emotionally difficult for her to process. Everything happened so fast. While they’d been playing cards, he started to blink and complain that he was having a hard time seeing out of one eye. Then his speech started to slur. She’d seen it happen before but felt close to Mr. Johnson. Adrenaline had kicked in to call in the code to get him help, but when the reality of the day set in, it felt like all the emotions she had were crashing down on her.

  It had been an excruciating few days since Jesse’s fight. She was thankful that he was somewhat of a local celebrity, or she’d never have known what was going on with him. She’d read in the paper that he’d had surgery on his fingers and hand and that time would tell if he could rehabilitate enough to fight at full capacity again. That really didn’t help knowing he might not fight again, but at least he was alive. She couldn’t help but wonder if their breakup had anything to do with him losing the fight. Was the fact that I pushed him away to blame?

  She released a thankful sigh as she sank down into her bubble bath and let the tears come. She didn’t know what to do.

  Later, as she had just finished her dinner, there was a knock on her door. Immediately the hair stood up on the back of Carissa’s neck. Who is it? She knew it wasn’t Jesse, and Dana was out with her new boyfriend. She got up and walked over to the door and answered it.

  “Hi, Carissa.”

  “Uh, hi, Kelsey. This is a surprise. How did you find me?”

  “I’m a bartender and the locals talk. Can I come in?”

  “Sure,” Carissa said as she opened the door for Kelsey to walk in. “Kelsey, I’m sorry about what happened to Jesse. How’s he doing?”

  “Funny that you should ask, Carissa. That is what I came here to talk to you about. He asked me not to say anything to you, but he’s my brother and I love him. I know him better
than almost anyone. The outcome of this fight was not him, so there had to be some explanation. He didn’t want to tell me, but I pressed him, and finally he told me what had happened between you.”

  Carissa gasped as Kelsey said it, and her hand flew to cover her own mouth in realization of her worst fear that she’d had something to do with his mental state that lost him the fight.

  “Kelsey, I’m so sorry,” she said as she started to cry.

  “You know what, Carissa, so am I. I liked you. I thought you were good for my brother. I don’t know what the hell is going through your mind, but whatever you said or did to him had him in a bad state of mind. I can tell he still loves you. There was a time when he gave my husband the benefit of the doubt when it seemed that no one understood us, and so I’m going to do the same thing for you. Please help me understand what happened. I know I have no business being here, but I love him. I would like to believe that you care about him, too.”

  Carissa sat down on the couch and buried her head in her hands.

  “Kelsey, I don’t know what to say. He explained about my misunderstanding with Haley. When we made up and he told me that, he neglected to tell me that he had a daughter. Then I found out he had a daughter from his ex-girlfriend. I flipped out. Not because he had a daughter, but because he lied to me. He promised me he wouldn’t lie. So I bailed. I have only ever been hurt by men, and I thought Jesse was different. In that one act, he showed me he wasn’t.”

  “Wow. We were all shocked that he had a daughter, including him. But he’s embraced that fact, even though he and Haley are a relationship of the past. He wants to be a good dad to her; I’m sure it was hard to hear, but try to have compassion for his situation. I think that it would be good for Violet to have her daddy in a loving relationship with someone who will set a good example for her. Will that special someone be you? I sure hope so, but no one can make that decision but the two of you, Carissa.”

  Kelsey paused, searching for the right words to say. “I think he loves you, Carissa. He hasn’t told me that. He probably hasn’t even admitted it to himself, but I think you should give him another chance.”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “One of Jesse’s favorite sayings is that there is no reward without risk. I hope you’ll consider that.”

  “I will, Kelsey.”

  Carissa got up to walk Kelsey to the door. As she was leaving, Kelsey turned around and looked at Carissa.

  “Can I ask you one more question, Carissa?”

  “Sure.”

  “Do you love him?”

  Carissa blinked at the question. She paused for a moment, and the realization hit her. She did love him. She nodded her head, her eyes wet with emotion.

  “Then please don’t let your fears get the best of you. I would never be saying this if I didn’t believe my brother felt the same way. I think there’s a chance that he might see his future in you. But please, if you go back to him and he takes you back, be good to him. I love him with all of my heart.”

  Kelsey reached her arms out to Carissa, and they hugged. She walked Kelsey to the door and watched her leave. As she did, Carissa just stood there crying at the reality of the situation. She had left the man she loved.

  What am I going to do? She wanted to go to Jesse, but she was still so afraid. Kelsey had no idea what it was like to feel that kind of fear.

  An hour later, shedding more tears than she thought she had in her, she decided it was time to go see Jesse. She felt terrible without him, and, even if it didn’t work or he didn’t’ want her, she wanted a chance to say she was sorry. She wanted the chance to tell him why she made the decision she did. It was time to be honest with him and tell him her feelings. At least then she’d know she tried. The rest was up to him.

  Chapter 22

  Jesse was going stir crazy. It sucked being in the hospital for the last few days. The doctors told him he had a chance of leaving by the end of the week as long as he worked with the physical therapists to make a plan for his recovery. Not a problem. He wanted to recover as bad as the doctors wanted him to. He couldn’t imagine a life without fighting as a career. He didn’t have a backup plan. Working in the family bar for the rest of his life was not an option. He loved that place, but fighting was his life.

  He’d graduated from narcotics for the pain in the first couple of days to non-narcotic pain relievers, and he was thankful that his head wasn’t feeling as cloudy. The swelling in his eye had gone down, and other than a few stitches over his eyebrow, his face was returning to normal. He could not wait until the rest of his body decided to follow suit. He let himself drift off to sleep. That’s all there was to do when he couldn’t get out of bed.

  He’d been torturing himself listening to breakup songs all week on his MP3 player. “Stay” by Georgia Florida Line was at the top of the list. The opening lyrics “I’d sell my soul just to heal your pain, and I’d break my bones just to heal your pain” spoke to him. He felt like the song was written for him.

  Haley had called him, and they discussed Violet coming to visit him but ultimately decided against it because she might not understand why her newfound daddy was all beat up and in a hospital bed. It hurt his heart to not have Violet near him, but he was only just beginning to realize the sacrifices a parent had to make. He knew he’d see her again soon.

  He dozed off thinking about Violet and imagining that he might have a future with Carissa and that she and Carissa might know each other. In his dream, they were all one happy family; they’d maybe even give Violet brothers and sisters someday.

  Jesse woke up to the image of Carissa standing at the end of his bed. He blinked. He must still be dreaming. Then she started to move, and he realized it was no longer a dream. She walked towards him, and he felt the excitement he only felt when she was near for the first time in far too long. He hoped that this time she’d stay.

  “Hi, Jesse,” she lifted her hand to wave to him and smiled at him. “How are you feeling?”

  “Better. What brings you by?”

  He wanted to reach out to her, but his pride had endured enough battering over the last week. He didn’t need to add to it.

  “Jesse, I came to tell you I’m sorry.”

  “You are?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry for the way I acted. I shouldn’t have shut you down like that and accused you of lying without giving you a chance to truly tell me why you did it. I ran, Jesse. It was wrong. I’ve missed you every single second that I’ve been gone.”

  Jesse stirred with emotion, but his face seemed hard; he was still hurt.

  Carissa’s stomach still stirred with nerves, but she continued.

  “I’m sorry, Jesse. If I hadn’t left you, maybe this wouldn’t have happened to you. We can’t change that, but if you let me, I will be by your side for every day of the healing process.”

  She nervously bit her lip. He wasn’t making it easy with his silence, but she was putting it all out there. If he wouldn’t take her back, at least she’d know she tried.

  “I want to be in your life. If you let me, I’d also like to know your daughter if and when you feel ready. I just want another chance, Jesse. Please,” she said with tears rolling down her cheeks.

  Jesse watched her as she spoke to him. When she finished, he turned his head away from her as if he was trying to figure out whether to forgive her or not.

  Finally, he turned to her. “You hurt me. Everything was going so great between the two of us, and then you left. I know I made a mistake not telling you about Violet, but I was still relatively shell-shocked with the information that I had a young daughter by a woman I thought I knew so well at one time but never told me. I wanted to process it before I told you.”

  He looked wounded more than just physically when he spoke to her.

  “I’m sorry Haley was so vindictive in telling you like she did. She had no right. She was clear to me that she wanted us to try to be a family, and I’m sure that had something to do with it. Still, it would be n
ice if you could have given me the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know if I can get over that you just left. I know you had your reasons, but you left me at a terrible time.”

  She nodded in understanding as she bit back a sob. She didn’t deserve his forgiveness.

  “Carissa, I’m not done. I ached for you; there’s not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t missed you. I blame no one for the behavior that caused me to fuck up most of my practice sessions after that but myself. I DO want you, and I want you back in my life. If we do this, we have to promise to each other truth in all ways and to communicate with each other better.”

  She nodded her agreement but still stood away from his bed.

  “Now get your ass over here because you’re MINE,” he said as he reached out for her with his good hand.

  He pulled her in to his chest and kissed her with all the passion they’d both had bottled inside since they had been apart.

  “I mean what I said, Carissa. I’m a reasonable man, but I could not cope with you leaving me again. When I thought about the fact that you might move on to another man, it nearly killed me inside. You do things to me that no woman has ever done; I never thought I had a jealous streak until there was you. You are mine. I am yours. Get it?”

  She nodded. She felt her insides warm and her sex swell with need for him. Something about him wanting to possess her so completely turned her on. He roughly pulled at her clothing again as he kissed her passionately.

  “Carissa, I love you. I don’t know when or how it happened, but it is what it is. You have wrecked me for anyone else. That said, once you come back to me, I am never letting you go. Do you understand?”

  Carissa nodded.

  “Carissa, I need to hear you say it back to me, please.” He put his hand under her chin as she looked up at him.

  “Jesse, I’m yours. I’ve always been yours, even when I was fighting it. I’m sorry for any part that I’ve played in hurting you, but I’m done with that. I can’t promise I won’t hurt you again, but I can tell you that I’m not giving up on us again. Ever. I love you. Please, will you give us another chance?”