Guarded Heart (Dubicki's) Read online

  “Carissa, I would not judge you for that. It’s not your fault you were drugged.”

  “Jesse, I hear you. I’ve just had a rough time in the past. With men.”

  “Listen, I have a little tradition after my fights in town that I go to Dubicki’s after and see my family. I either celebrate or commiserate with the locals. Any chance you would want to go with me tonight?”

  “Wow. Jesse, that’s really sweet, but, honestly, I’m still digesting what just happened. It might be a bit soon to meet your family.”

  “Carissa, honestly, I decided the night that I met you that you would be mine. You can meet them now, or you can meet them later, but you will meet my family.”

  She bit back her smile at his bravado. His announcement to her was a little shocking, but something in it connected to her. As long as he didn’t force himself on her, she would go with the flow of things. She wasn’t ready to leave him just yet, so she decided to go with him. She tried not to be nervous about meeting the family before they’d even had their first date. She kept telling herself it was crazy, or, at the very least, it all felt a little surreal. If it was a dream, she didn’t want to wake up.

  Chapter 12

  An hour later, they walked into Dubicki’s, hand-in-hand. After Jesse’s announcement that he’d decided she’d be “his,” Carissa had told him that she may need to take things slow. He said he understood and then held out his hand for her to grab and asked her if it was okay. And it was okay. Their hands felt just right together. Carissa couldn’t seem to keep the smile off her face. It was a strange feeling, but she liked it.

  When they walked in, the whole Dubicki family seemed to be there. Jesse introduced her to his sister Kelsey, whom she remembered as the bartender that horrible night; his brother-in-law Jason, who was Kelsey’s husband; his brother Adam; Adam’s wife Stephanie; and their baby, Jack. Jack was a total cutie, with chubby cheeks that smiled, and he held his hands out to her. Carissa was surprised by this and held her arms out to accept the baby in them. She was nervous at first but found quickly that the baby charmed her, and she enjoyed holding him for a few minutes before giving him back to his mommy.

  They all laughed and congratulated Jesse, and all the locals there came and gave Jesse congratulations as well. They had all been watching him on the big screen TV in the bar that day. The Dubicki family decided to order a few pizzas and pitchers of both beer and soda as they all sat around a big table and socialized.

  “You seem happy,” Kelsey said to Jesse when they found a moment alone to chat.

  “Yeah, I am.”

  “That shit-eating grin you have on your face wouldn’t have anything to do with Carissa, eh? Are you blushing, Jesse?” Kelsey said as she teased him, jabbing her elbow into his side as she did it.

  He playfully swatted her elbow away.

  “Stop it, Kels. She’s not that far away.”

  He looked over his shoulder, and his eyes found Carissa. She was across the bar talking to his brother, Adam. Jesse would have to go save her from him in a few minutes.

  “Yes, it might have something to do with the grin. I don’t know what the deal is. I have no time for a relationship, but something changed when I met her. I’m glad you charged me with taking care of her that night, or I may not have met her.”

  He stopped and popped a peanut into his mouth. They had peanuts or popcorn at every table in the bar.

  “Our initial meeting was a bit less than ideal, and it took a bit of convincing to get to her, but it seems I did. I didn’t even know if I was going to see her again. But she was at my fight today, and I somehow convinced her to come here with me.”

  “I have to admit, I was unsure of her at first, but she seems really nice. Maybe it was just the situation and the way you met her. But hey, I just want you to be happy, just as you once wanted for me.”

  “Thanks, sis,” he said as he leaned over and hugged Kelsey. “That means a lot.”

  Jesse and Kelsey both walked away from the bar together towards the rest of the crowd at the tables in the bar.

  “Congratulations, Jesse!” a couple of older gentleman that were regular patrons of Dubicki’s congratulated him. They were both watching the large flat screen TV that was above the bar for sports events.

  Carissa was surprised at how easy it was to walk in the door and meet the Dubickis. Jesse’s brother Adam had come right up to her and started talking, and since then she felt like she’d been occupied being introduced to someone that was either family or a friend of the Dubickis. She was nearly dizzy trying to keep all the details straight. She felt welcome here and wondered what it must be like to have such a loving family.

  Carissa saw Jesse try to make his way towards her, which was proving a challenge at the moment. Just as Carissa was about to start making her way towards Jesse, his sister walked up to her. They’d been briefly introduced when she and Jesse had first walked in the door that day.

  “So, Carissa, you seem to be doing well with all the chaos here. Do you have a big family?” Kelsey asked her.

  Carissa looked down and bit her lip as she contemplated the best way to address that. “No, I don’t. But let’s just say that if I had a big family, this would be the kind of family I would wish for.”

  Kelsey could tell there was a story there, but decided the story would present itself when the time was right. “Well, you seem like a natural with a room full of new people, anyway. Do you work with people in your job, then?”

  “Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Carissa smiled at her. “I’m a nursing assistant at a home that’s a retirement community with a hospice wing. A lot of people might not understand why I like to work with seniors, and, at first, neither did I. Now I realize that there’s no place I’d rather be.”

  “Really? How so?” Kelsey tilted her head in curiosity as she listened.

  “Well, some of the people there don’t have anyone to talk to, and I love providing them some company while I do my job. I love listening to all their stories. They have such interesting lives, and some of them have been through so much.”

  She felt like she was babbling, but Kelsey didn’t seem to mind.

  “I felt lonely when I was growing up, sometimes. It helps me connect with all the people that are there and are all alone.” Carissa looked down and bit her lip. She figured she better not give herself away yet and steer the subject away from what it was like when she was growing up.

  “Anyway, I want to go back to school to eventually become a registered nurse. I know that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m not quite sure how all the details will work yet. I’m determined to get there, one way or the other, though.”

  “Well that’s good that you seem so sure of what you want to do in life. So many others have no idea what they want to be when they grow up.”

  They both laughed.

  Kelsey liked her. The girl seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. Her first meeting with anyone her brother dated, which was a rarity in itself, was always an interview of sorts. She only wanted the best for him. Not that she could stop it if she didn’t think it was a good match, but she liked Carissa.

  They continued to talk and laugh the night away.

  After they all said their goodbyes, Jesse took Carissa’s hand as they walked outside the bar to his truck.

  “I ‘m so happy you were there today,” he said as they got into the cab of his truck.

  “Me, too. Thanks for having me,” Carissa said to him as he reached his hand over the seat towards her. She took it.

  “So, can I call you?” he said as they pulled up to her place.

  “Yeah, I’d like that,” she said to him.

  “Can I kiss you?” he asked her.

  She nodded in response to him as he brought his face to hers across the seat of the truck. She leaned towards him as his lips met hers. It was a soft kiss, and she liked that he was respecting her enough to take things slow.

  He let go of her hand and got
out to open the door for her to get out of the truck. He held her hand as he walked her to the door.

  She turned to him as she opened her door. “I had fun tonight, Jesse. Thanks.”

  “So did I, Carissa. So did I,” Jesse said as he thought of what an amazing day it had turned out to be.

  He walked back to his truck and selected Cole Swindell’s song “Just Chillin It” on his audio system. He smiled, thinking that it was a fitting tune for his drive home.

  Chapter 13

  Carissa felt better than she had in a long time. She thought all men were out to hurt her, but Jesse seemed to be proving that theory wrong at the moment, and she liked it. Jesse had called her the night before and the night before that. It had been three days since the big fight, and that afternoon they had a date.

  She could not believe what a great guy he seemed to be. He had thanked her profusely for coming to his fight and had wanted to know of any date-like activity she would want to do. Before she could even think about it, she had blurted out “horseback riding,” and he’d been great about it. They both had the day off and were going to drive about 40 minutes outside of the city to go to a ranch to ride horses.

  Carissa had always wanted to horseback ride since she was a kid. She’d always had a dream of having a pony, but the only time she’d ever mentioned it to her mother, her mother had laughed and called her stupid. She learned then to keep her mouth shut, but she still wanted to own a horse someday. That afternoon she got to do the next best thing: ride one. Not only that, she got to be with Jesse again. She felt amazingly in touch with her inner child as she anticipated the date with excitement.

  Jesse showed up right on time in his shiny, white pickup truck. She never thought she’d find a guy in a truck sexy until she met him. It’s not that she had a thing against trucks; she was just an urban girl that liked urban things, which usually weren’t trucks. But he was a city boy, and his love of all things country definitely did not fit in the box, so to speak, and she liked that about him.

  He came up, and she opened the door as he was about to knock.

  “Hello, sunshine,” he said to Carissa.

  “Hi,” she said, her face brightening like the sun as she saw him.

  They walked over to his truck. She stepped up into the cab of the truck, and they were off on their afternoon adventure.

  When they arrived at the ranch just over a half hour later, he came over to help her down from the truck, and they walked together holding hands to see about getting their rides. Carissa felt like she was literally buzzing with excitement at the prospect of being near a horse, let alone riding a horse.

  They checked in, and she was introduced to her mare, Kathleen. Kathleen was a gorgeous, chocolate brown horse that Carissa immediately felt connected to. She didn’t know why, but she thought this mare could see into her soul. Somehow it just felt as if Kathleen could feel the pain that she had endured. Carissa felt emotion bubble into her throat, and her eyes started to swell. She wished she’d have had a horse when she was a kid. She could have loved that horse and told her all her troubles. They could have comforted each other and taken care of each other. She suddenly found herself wondering if she could volunteer at a ranch or with horses in some way, like it was somehow another calling.

  “Are you okay?” asked Jesse as he noticed Carissa looked like she was upset.

  He leaned over and opened his arms to her as she let herself lean her cheek against his chest.

  “Yes, just overwhelmed, I think. I have always loved horses, but I’ve never actually met one until today. I just feel such a connection to them.” As she continued, he brushed the hair off her face. “I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always found comfort thinking of horses. Maybe I just like them better than most humans.”

  He caressed her cheek with his hand. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  Their tour guide got them all on their saddles and assessed their various riding levels. Jesse and Carissa weren’t the only two novices in the group, which relieved a bit of Carissa’s insecurity at never having ridden before.

  The group started on their ride, and Jesse and Carissa were at the back of the group since the other two novices were children that were with their parents further ahead. As they both got used to the steady pace of the horses and adjusted into their saddles and the routine of the walk, they started to talk.

  Jesse told Carissa about his upbringing. He explained that he had lost his mother at a young age, and that had driven him to want to fight. He told her about how they had owned Dubicki’s for generations, since their grandfather moved to the United States from Poland.

  Carissa had no idea why, but she felt so comfortable with Jesse. She found it interesting that they were both without parents for very different reasons, both devastating in their own way.

  Regretfully, the tour ended an hour later. Jesse said he’d found an old-fashioned malt shop he wanted to stop at so they could eat and have malts. As they got back into his pickup, he asked her for a kiss. Carissa had enjoyed his other kiss and met his lips with enthusiasm.

  They held hands as they walked towards the malt shop. After they entered, they were seated at a table near the window. It was a table with four seats, but they sat next to each other rather than across from each other. Carissa was impressed with the charm of the malt shop. It had a 1950s malt shop counter setup, but there were lots of tables and booths to sit at. They even had old music of that era playing on the overhead. The atmosphere of the place was welcoming.

  “What’s going through your head? You seem deep in thought,” Jesse asked.

  “Oh, I was just observing the charm of this place. I enjoy looking around and taking in all the detail. One thing I love is interior design. I can’t quite get enough of all the home makeover shows on television.”

  “Kelsey likes those home and garden shows, too,” he said, making a face that said he was not into that kind of show. “Did you ever think about trying your hand in anything like garden or home design?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’ve never considered it really as a career. I like that stuff, but I doubt I’d have much talent at it anyway. I always say to Dana, ‘In my next life, I’m going to be an interior designer.’” She laughed as she said it.

  “Do you believe in that stuff?”

  “What stuff?”

  “Past lives?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. I guess I never really thought about it. I used to read a lot of books and must have read that somewhere. I like to imagine that I was a princess in a past life or something like that, just like I would in a dream. I’m not sure if I believe it to be much more than that, though.”

  “Yeah, I hear you. I just thought it was funny you mentioned it because some woman that came into the bar when Kelsey and I were younger wanted to read our tea leaves or something like that. She told Kelsey and me that we probably had been twins and shared a womb in another lifetime. Kelsey and I thought it was neat and told our Dad, but he quickly shut it down and told us not to believe that rubbish. I think it’s funny, though, because Kelsey and I like to tell other people we are twins. So do I believe in past lives? Not necessarily. The visit from the tea leaf reader always intrigued me, though.”

  “You surprise me, Jesse. I like that you have a mind that is open to possibilities, I guess. My life hasn’t allowed me that much luxury.”

  Just then, their malts arrived. His was peanut butter, hers was Oreo cookie. They both took a moment to taste their malts. Each was overcome with such appreciation of their respective malt that they both let out a sigh of appreciation at the same time. They looked at each other in surprise and laughed.

  After they both had their initial fill, they settled back into a conversation over the malts and French fries they’d gotten to share.

  “So, Carissa, what was your family like? I feel like I’ve told you all about my family; we even met at the family business. But don’t think I haven’t noticed that I have not heard that muc
h about your background.”

  Carissa looked down. She started to wring her hands together. She always did that when she was nervous. Jesse reached over and put his hand on her knee.

  “Carissa, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

  “No, Jesse, it’s okay. I just don’t know how to say some of this stuff. I wasn’t wanted. My mom was a coked-out runway model who barely acknowledged me. I don’t even think she knew who my father was. Her life was all about how she was going to get high and stay beautiful enough to keep the modeling jobs that supported her drug habit. When the drugs started to take their toll on her appearance and career, she got completely lost in her addiction.”

  “Carissa, please. You don’t have to tell me this.”

  “Jesse, I need to finish this, and it’s hard for me, okay? Just please let me finish.”

  He nodded as she continued. What she’d already said was so awful, he didn’t want to imagine what else she was going to say.

  “My mom’s boyfriend Ray was not a good man. He was a mean drunk that liked to tell me I was a worthless child that no one would ever love.” A tear started to betray her will and escaped, running down her cheek. Jesse tried to reach over, but she pushed him away and continued, “One night when I was 14, he came into my bedroom and raped me.”

  Carissa put her head down in shame and squeezed her eyes shut, in part to try to keep the memories from shattering her and in part for fear that if any more tears escaped, she would never stop crying. She didn’t know what was compelling her to tell him one of her deepest, darkest secrets. It just felt right with Jesse.

  Jesse held his arms out for her, and she let herself be enveloped in his embrace, even though she wasn’t ready to let herself cry. She’d cry it out when she got home. She felt raw from exposing so much of herself, and right then she was not ready to make herself any more vulnerable. Not in that way, and not that night.

  Jesse got the bill and paid, and he reached his hand for her to leave.