Guarded Heart (Dubicki's) Read online

  Carissa berated herself the whole way home for letting him know so much. It was too soon to know whether Jesse really cared for her or whether it was all just an act. She wanted to believe he cared, but she didn’t know if she could completely trust him yet. What if she fell for him and he hurt her? Every man she’d known had hurt her, and she just wasn’t used to a man not wanting to hurt her. She was used to being alone, but she didn’t know if she could take another heartbreak. She’d had enough of those when she was growing up, enough of people hurting her.

  Jesse felt the energy shift like hot to cold. One minute they were having a great date, the next Carissa was telling him about her horrific childhood. He had felt honored that she’d shared that with him and that made him feel close to her. He wanted to be close to her that night. He had the feeling that she was not used to sharing her deep wounds with anyone, and he wanted her to know he wouldn’t hurt her. If only he could find a way to show her.

  “Can I come in with you for a little bit?” Jesse asked as they pulled up to her place.

  She seemed to think about it for a second before nodding her approval. He got out of the truck and followed her inside. She went to make herself some tea and offered him a beer.

  “Come here,” he said as he took her hand and led her into the living room. “Just sit with me for a little bit.”

  He sat down and held out his arms to her, and she sat down next to him.

  “You’ve been really quiet since we left the diner. Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful little head of yours.”

  He called me beautiful. She smiled. No one had ever called her that before. She shook her head in near disbelief.

  “I don’t know. I have never told anyone that much about myself before. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed, you know. That night. Like I did something wrong. Like I did something to deserve being raped. I know it’s wrong, but, somehow, when that happens to you, it just stays with you. I’ve played the details in my mind again and again and wondered what I could have done to possibly stop it. It’s something that’s haunted me, and I wish I could forget it.”

  Carissa shifted in her seat, and, as she did, her face visibly changed from being gripped in fear to seeming happy and without a care in a moment’s time. She’d gotten used to being able to switch gears at the drop of a hat in childhood and found the ability to do so handy to that day, particularly then.

  “There’s something about you that has me opening myself up to you, and that kind of scares me. I want to let myself be comfortable with you, and, in so many ways, I do. I just am not used to being treated this well, and, in some ways, I want to run before you break my heart. I tried to run the night I met you. You saw me at my worst, and there’s no way I wanted to see you again because I looked like a complete mess that first time you saw me. It was humiliating,” she said as she giggled at the memory of it all.

  So much for never seeing him again. She was glad that the universe intervened on their behalf. She just didn’t know how to tell him she could guarantee that she’d stay. She was used to having an exit plan. Used to running at the first sign of trouble. She couldn’t tell him that her demons might get the best of her, and, if that happened, she might take the relationship down in her struggle.

  “I wanted to push you away. I wanted to push you away that first night, and I wanted to push you away today after I verbally puked my past onto your lap. You just sat there and listened to me, and I could see the pain in your face. I didn’t want to cause you pain. I didn’t want to make myself that vulnerable to you, either.”

  Jesse nodded at her, the look on his face said he wanted to understand her, encouraging her to continue.

  “Jesse, I’m scared. I’m scared of showing who I am to anyone. I’m scared of being hurt again. I’m scared of letting anyone get close to me. But I have this sense of knowing that it’s going to be okay; that to stop this relationship without finding what happens would be somehow detrimental to my future.” She drew her legs up to her chest as she finished. It still didn’t mean that she wasn’t scared of what that all meant.

  Jesse moved a bit closer to her and put his hand on her back as she rocked herself.

  “I’m glad you feel like you can trust me. I’m glad you didn’t run from me again. I care about you, Carissa. You have brought something to the surface in me that I had forgotten even existed. I put the possibility of romance on the backburner until I saw you. And, somehow, everything has changed for me. I want to be in your life, and I want you in mine. I am yours, if you want me.”

  Carissa looked up at him with tears in her eyes and climbed onto his lap. “I don’t know what the hell you see in me, but of course I want you.”

  She leaned her face down to him, and they kissed and cuddled for a while.

  Finally, he stood and said he should go.

  “Stay with me,” she said, and he followed her back to the bedroom. “Will you just lay with me? I know it sounds silly, but I just really want to be held right now.”

  She looked so fragile to him. He climbed into bed next to her and just held her and stroked her hair as she quietly wept against his chest. He knew that she needed this, and he cradled his newfound treasure to his chest, silently praying that she had somehow found a way to make peace with her past.

  Chapter 14

  Carissa dabbed on her last bit of lipstick and put on an armful of bangle bracelets. She had a date with Jesse to go over to his place and spend some time with him before they went downstairs to Dubicki’s. That night he was going to meet Dana, who was bringing her boyfriend Kyle, and they were all going to have a double date of sorts.

  She still couldn’t believe that she had a boyfriend. She looked back now and saw that her life had been a constant state of damage control, trying to keep away from all men so they never could hurt her again. She realized that may not have been wise, but it was what she had to do at the time.

  She was proud of herself. The first sign of intimacy in the past would have almost certainly meant failure because she would have run before she would have let anyone see her vulnerable again. Not this time. Jesse Dubicki was worth her taking a risk. He’d been such a gentleman to her; she couldn’t believe she’d been stupid enough to consider never wanting to see him again. She was glad they’d been given a second chance.

  She was falling for him. She never thought she’d fall in love, really, but she was starting to feel like that was what was going on. He was occupying space in her head, and she liked it that way. The way he cared for her and didn’t judge her past. The way that he told her he’d wait for her to be ready. The way he kissed her and didn’t pressure her for anything more. She wasn’t sure what she had done to deserve it, but, thanks to Dana’s many pep talks, she was starting to realize that it was possible to have good things happen without something bad happening. All her life, she’d thought that if something good happened, then something bad was just around the corner to even out the scales. She was learning to let go of that mentality and just enjoy the moment.

  Not only did he want to get to know her friend that was really the only family she had, he wanted to be near her and with her as much as she was willing. He had another fight next week, and she was looking forward to his first match that she was his girlfriend. He told her he’d get her a custom made jersey for her to wear that said Jesse “The Patriot” Dubicki on it. She’d never been one to wear sports jerseys, but just thinking of his name on her chest woke her senses enough for her to notice the heat rising from her core that was becoming more common since she met Jesse. She couldn’t wait until after their date. The anticipation of him touching her body, whether it was that day or soon, was driving her mad.

  She pulled up to Dubicki’s, and Jesse was waiting at the top of the stairs for her. God, he is gorgeous. Just the site of him drove her senses wild. She nearly sprinted up the stairs to close the gap between them.

  “Hi,” she said as he pulled her close to kiss her.

  “Hi, gorgeous,”
he said as he looked down at her, his face inches from hers.

  “Hi, handsome,” she said, her eyes darkening with her desire with him.

  “What do you want to do for the next hour before Dana and her boyfriend get here?”

  “Hmmm, I don’t know,” she said, and he laughed.

  He quickly pulled her in the door, and they took off to his room like they were in a race.

  When they reached his room, they were both laughing, and he caught her from behind as if she were as light as a feather; to him, she was. Suddenly, the energy shifted, as did the laughter, as he turned her around and kissed her, and he lifted her in the air above him. He gently placed her on the bed. He slowly sat down beside her and placed his open hand against her cheek and just caressed her face and her hair. She smiled sweetly at him and leaned over to kiss his hand. He lowered his head to hers, still sitting beside her as she lay in the bed, and touched his lips lightly to hers. A small song of desire came from the back of her throat as she lifted her body in an effort to be closer to him.

  “Do you want something, Carissa?” he asked her.

  “You, Jesse. I want you. To touch me.”

  “Where?” he asked.

  “Here,” she said as she looked down at her chest and played with the top button of her blouse.

  He answered by lowering his head to her chest. He let his face linger outside her clothing. He loved the smell of her, loved feeling her desire for him. As he rubbed his cheeks and face against her blouse, he felt her hard nipples through her clothing and reached his hand up to gently touch her outside her shirt. When she started to moan with impatience, he decided to make her wait a little longer. He liked seeing her excited and wanting him, but, most of all, he didn’t want to rush her.

  “Carissa, are you sure you’re ready for this?” he gently asked her.

  She gently bit her bottom lip and nodded her consent. Next, she unbuttoned her blouse all the way and completely exposed her bra. He felt so honored that she would expose herself to him and allow herself to be vulnerable to giving this a chance. He wanted to treasure every moment.

  “Jesse, what are you waiting for?” she gently pressed him.

  “I don’t mean to make you wait. I just want to treasure every moment of this, Carissa. You’re beautiful,” he said as he lowered his mouth to the chest that she’d just exposed to him.

  She wore a bra that was so thin it was nearly see-through, and it turned him on to see her beautiful breasts nearly exposed to him. Her nipples were so hard that they nearly broke through the fabric. He lowered his mouth to one of her nipples and started to lick it outside the fabric. When they both could take no more, he gently eased the bra to the side and took her breast in his mouth. He gently suckled each of her breasts and felt his cock grow so hard that it was ready to erupt from his shorts.

  Still, he wanted to take his time with her. He raised himself up on his arm above her chest and just looked at her. He could get lost in her eyes and felt like he could be content just watching her. She was looking back at him, her eyes shining with emotion. He lowered his mouth to hers and let himself kiss her. She responded with all the emotion he thought he had seen in her eyes.

  When they finally pulled themselves from the kiss, Jesse took his hand and gently caressed her face. He kissed his way along her jawline to her ear. He gently licked and nipped at her ear. The sounds she made told him she liked it. He kissed his way down to her neck, stopping to lick her neck gently on the way down to her chest.

  When he got to her chest, he gave more attention to her breasts, gently suckling each one before he moved on, trailing kisses down her belly. She gently moaned in anticipation of what was to come.

  When he finally arrived near her sex, he removed her pants and panties. When he did, he could see her glistening mound and wanted to taste her so badly. He wasn’t going to without her telling him she wanted it, though.

  “Carissa, do you like this?”

  “Yes,” she moaned.

  “What do you want me to do next, Carissa?”

  “I want you to taste me.”

  “Where do you want me to taste you?” he said to her, looking down at her sex, a smile in his eyes.

  She trailed her hand down to her wet entrance and parted it slightly for him. He’d never wanted anything so badly. He lowered himself to her mound and just savored the musky and sweet scent of her before he kissed her just outside of her sweet spot. She moaned in anticipation.

  He put his tongue inside of her sweet mound; she gripped her hand on his head in encouragement. He let his tongue find her sweet clit and taste every inch of it. She was writhing in excitement, bucking in frustration at the patience he was using in getting to her center.

  When he was satisfied with tasting her, he settled into her sex and rhythmically licked her center. She responded with a high-pitched sound, telling him she was close. He wanted to taste her cum and increased the pressure of his tongue on her clit just lightly. It nearly unhinged her. She called his name as she exploded for him. He could taste every bit of her, and he loved it.

  He crawled back up to be near her as she came down from the high of her climax.

  “Jesse, that was amazing.”

  He put his arms around her and was content at the thought that she was satisfied. As if she read his mind, she said, “I hope you’re not done yet.”

  “Are you sure, Carissa? I wanted to take it slow with you. I know you haven’t always been treated right.”

  She silenced him by placing her finger on his lips. She lifted her hips in anticipation of wanting him inside of her. He stood up to undress, and, while he did, he welcomed the opportunity to take a moment to look at her. She was so beautiful with her naked body exposed to him, wanting him. He wondered how he got so lucky.

  Before he let his jeans drop to the floor, he pulled a condom out of his pocket and put it on. He saw Carissa watching him with anticipation and finally joined her on the bed. He lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her playfully before positioning himself over her. He rubbed his hard length over her wet folds and teased her a bit; somehow, he couldn’t resist. He didn’t know how long he was going to last that first time, but he was going to do his best to make sure they both enjoyed it. She made such delicious sounds in anticipation of him, and he loved every second of it. Finally, he allowed his cock to slide into her slowly. She was so tight around him, and he knew that if he moved too quickly, it would be over too quickly to truly satisfy either one of them.

  She reached her hands down between their legs. She touched him as he was in her, and then she touched herself. She let her fingers slowly drift to her swollen clit while he slowly moved in and out of her. He wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer if she kept doing that. As if she read his thoughts, she took the finger that had been on her clit and moved it up to his mouth. He was mesmerized as he suckled the finger that had been on her sweet center. His thrust became quicker, and she let out a yell as her body convulsed as she came. He lost himself as her wetness tensed around him and called her name as he found his release.

  ***

  A little while later, they were on their way downstairs to Dubicki’s. They walked into the bar hand-in-hand and greeted the locals and staff that Jesse knew. His sister was off that night, but Adam was there working a late shift for someone that had called in sick.

  “Hey, Adam,” Jesse said to his brother as they made their way through the bar.

  “Hey, guys. What’s going on tonight?” Adam said as he poured a beer for one of the servers.

  “Not too much. We came down here to meet up with one of Carissa’s friends and her boyfriend,” Jesse said.

  “Ah, a double date. It sounds like you two are getting serious,” Adam said with a hint of mischief in his eye.

  “Whatever, dude. We both know that you knew it was serious the minute I introduced her to my family. Give Steph and the baby my love,” Jesse said as he tugged Carissa’s hand behind him to get away.

  Th
e two brothers had always butted heads; Carissa remembered him saying that. She’d often wished she’d had siblings and, even though they had their moments, was envious of the clear bond between the siblings in the Dubicki family.

  “Bye, Adam!” she called and waved back at him with her free hand.

  He waved at her and said goodbye as they surged on in their quest to find her friends. After searching the bar unsuccessfully for Dana, Carissa remembered that Dana’s new guy Kyle smoked the last time she’d seen them together. Dubicki’s had just had a patio put in that year because so many competing businesses had them. The bar was on the Mississippi River; it may not have been much to look at, but it was a water view, and Kelsey had convinced Adam to make the investment. The tables outside quickly became popular in the summer and nicer weather. The new patio tables were on the opposite side of Jesse’s stairway and apartment, but he still caught some extra noise from the patio when it was nice out.

  “Come on, Jesse, they might be outside,” she said as she took the lead and led him to the patio.

  As she suspected, they quickly spotted Dana with her new boyfriend, who was smoking a cigarette as they approached their table. Their table was essentially a brown picnic table with an umbrella.

  “Hey, woman!” Dana waved and hollered to her as she jumped up to hug Carissa and Jesse.

  “Hi, Kyle. Nice to see you again,” Carissa said to Dana’s new boyfriend.

  “Yeah, you too, Carissa,” he said with the cigarette butt dangling from his mouth as he held out his hand to shake hers.

  She shook his hand, and then turned to introduce Jesse.

  “This is Jesse. Jesse, this is Dana and Kyle,” Carissa said as they all shook hands.

  Jesse gave her a priceless look when he shook hands with Kyle, and it looked as if his cigarette ash was so long it might drop off into Jesse’s palm. Carissa tried not to giggle and averted her eyes to avoid laughing.

  Jesse and Carissa sat together on the opposite side of the table from Dana and Kyle, and they all decided to order a round of drinks. Dana suggested that since they were at Dubicki’s, they should all order a signature drink. Dubicki’s had five of them: the Sharp Tongue, the Tongue & Cheek, the Loose Tongue, the Tongue Twister, and a shot called the Tongue Piercing. They all ordered one, and Kyle ordered two so they could have all five. He also voiced that he liked the idea of double-fisting his drinks.